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Steve Harper's Six Levels of Relationships

Submitted by Chris Garrigues

Beyond a certain point, the number of levels leads to distinctions which are

too fine to be useful. Even the 6 that I mentioned seem like a lot of

gradations on this particular axis. (Not that there aren't other axises which

might be useful.) However, as I read the definitions, I think the 6 levels can

be very useful. For the record, here's Steve Harper's full definition of

each of these levels (all words from here down are from /The Ripple Effect/;

all typos are mine):

Level 1: Awareness

Awareness is a general surface-level awareness of a person. Maybe you've

seen them regularly at a restaurant you frequent, or pass the time of day at

the grocery store. You probably know one or two facts about why they are or

what they do, but not much more. The two of you aren't exactly strangers, but

you could never be classified as friends. You just don't know each other

well enough.

For instance, I met a man who owns a carpet cleaning company at a recent

networking event. I'm aware of who he is and what he does, but I know nothing

about him personally. I don't know how he treats his customers or what his

business ethics are like. Would I consider loaning him my car? Not at this

stage of the relationship.

Awareness is the starting point for every relationship. Before you can get

to know someone, you first have to know /of/ them.

Level 2: Rapport

I define rapport as a satisfying relationship with another person that

involves a basic level of communication and mutual support. Sometimes we

think of rapport as a kind of initial good "chemistry." We might enjoy

talking to each other, for example, but at this stage it's still strictly an

arm's length relationship. Good rapport with a professional associate might

mean you're comfortable doing business with them at some level but you

wouldn't ask them to watch your kids.

Building rapport with someone allows for a more direct understanding of the

person, what they do and for what, on a very basic level, you can count on

them. you want to make a positive impression on them and avoid revealing

anything that might harm their perception of you.

Rapport is the most preliminary level of trust. Before a relationship can

advance, it's absolutely imperative that rapport exist. But keep in mind that

most relationships, especially business relationships, don't advance much

beyond the rapport stage, if at all. If you want to grow a relationship, it

will likely take some work here on out.

Level 3: Security

At this stage, you feel less vulnerable in a relationship. You're confident

they'll keep their word and deliver on their promises, and that they're not

looking to exploit you. As a result, you instinctively lower some of your

defenses,. both venturing more honest opinions of your own and listening to

more of theirs.

You might have reached this level with a neighbor, especially one you

wouldn't hesitate to leave your house key with while you're on vacation.

Perhaps it's a co-worker you're comfortable enough with to accept their help

on a project that's running behind --- you know they would never try to corner

the credit or make you look bad in front of the boss, and you trust their

ability. They've "got your back" during times of pressure or stress, and

you've got theirs.

Level 4: Ancillary Trust

Ancillary means "additional," and that's exactly what ancillary trust is ---

an additional layer of trust. Though neither of you is likely to divulge all

of your deep dark secrets to each other, you are more open about your flaws.

You'll go out of your way to help this person if possible and unconsciously

will be on the lookout for anything that might benefit them.

Strong relationships develop at this stage. You understand what the

relationship means to each other, and there is a great deal of compatibility

and strong mutual respect. People whose relationship has reached this stage

will help each other, even at significant persona, professional or financial

risk. They'll run those risks because they have absolute confidence that the

other person won't let them down.

Reaching this layer of ancillary trust may take years, and probably only

happens with a relatively small number of people in your life. As with any

good building, laying a good foundation can't be rushed. The same is true for

a really solid and rewarding friendship.

Level 5: Inner Level of Trust

By now you're probably thinking, "How many layers of trust are there,

anyway? Is it really that difficult to trust someone?" But think about it

like this: so often our lives are built on pretense. We project an image of

ourself to the world at large --- not a false image, exactly, but an

incomplete one. We refrain fro hanging our dirty laundry out in public if

possible.

Once you've reach the inner level of trust with someone, all those dark

secrets are exposed. And that's OK. You know the other person isn't going to

judge you or hate you or reveal them to the world. You can confide in each

other with confidence. you know that you'll support each other unstintingly,

unwaveringly and fully. It's a great feeling.

The relationships that reach this level are likely to become lifelong

friendships. There won't be many of them, but they will be rich and deeply

rewarding.

Level 6: Bond

Few of us have the privilege of experiencing a true bond --- the culmination

of a very special relationship advancing as far as it possibly can. All the

mysteries, reservations and defenses of the earlier levels dissolve. You feel

like you know this person as well as you know yourself, and you've developed

such a strong connection that nothing, good or bad, can tear this down.

This level extends well beyond trust. You'd literally give up your life for

the other person, that's how much they mean to you. I believe many, if not

most, parents form this bond at the birth of their children (although it may

not, sadly, be reciprocated) and it lasts a lifetime, no matter what they do

as they grow up. They become the center of your universe. You hurt when they

hurt and you rejoice in their good fortune and success.

I also believe most marriages that end in divorce do so because they spouses

fair to achieve this critical bond. I describe this stage by borrowing a line

from one of my favorite movies, /Jerry McGuire/: "You complete me." For me,

that captures the essence of the relationship bond, a bond I believe is

critical to successfully making a lifelong commitment.

Bonds occur most often between husbands and wives and parents and children,

but they aren't limited to the family unit. Lifelong best friends can reach

this level. In fact, given the proper patience and nourishment, people that

just plain connect can eventually form a bond.